Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
