i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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