My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
