if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
