Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
