i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
