Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
