god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
