Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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