MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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