Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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