just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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