Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
i need some magic done to my vagina
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
