his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
