Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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