Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
