Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
