So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
