help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
