where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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