i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
