my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
