Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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