You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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