I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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