now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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