when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
