Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
