saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
