You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
