We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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