DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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