WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
porn star boner night. come get it.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
