I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
