The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
