I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
