She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
