He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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