how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
