Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Damn victory sex feels great
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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