I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
