I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
