His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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