If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
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so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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