No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
