Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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