I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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