alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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