I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
