If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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