tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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