Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
