bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
this hospital has no fireball
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize