My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
