Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
