Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
