Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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