i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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