When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
