Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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